So it's been quite some time, and I have a myriad of reasons why I haven't kept this up.
The main one? I yet to figure out what exactly this whole thing is for.
Though I'm getting closer.
I have had a number of attempts at recording thoughts and ideas over the years, and the main obstacle I keep having is the idea that everything I write and share with the world must be in some way ingenious and meaningful and showcase how brilliant and articulate I am. The result is that I post nothing at all. A common problem, so I'm told.
I guess I'll have to shove over my ego and just blog whatever tripe comes out of my fingertips.
At least that way I'll have something to show for it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Playing the Adult Game
Things have definitely been looking up lately. Grown up.
I guess it hit me this past year when I realized that all of the life planning I had seriously done throughout my life effectively ended at University. Sure I made plans to get married, buy a house, have kids, but those were all in the "someday" file with no real route charted to get there.
It was always about school. Get good grades, be a good person, then go to University, and by the time all of that's happened life will be delivered to you in a neat little package. I've always known I'd have to work for the things I planned, and that major decision-making would be involved, but it was easier said than done to have this all laid out for when I get my degree.
At a friend's birthday party a few days ago the topic of "Adult Points" came up. Two roommates had been awarding themselves "Adult Points" for doing adult things, mostly as a joke to help deal with the reality that this is where one is really left to fend for themselves.
I started adding up my adult points:
I have lived in Victoria on my own for the better part of four years.
I have held at least one job for the vast majority of that time.
I look forward to pay day so I can pay off the Visa and buy groceries.
I've started looking at commercials that advertise budgeting, investment, and insurance with some interest.
I am planning on moving in with my girlfriend.
I have my first "big boy job" 9-5 Monday-Friday and beyond. (I even have a desk)
I am almost entirely at a loss when people ask me "So what's your plan for the future?"
All of these things are leading towards that final moment when I am pushed off the dock and into the water come December. My hope is that I will remember to flail my arms around to stay afloat.
I guess it hit me this past year when I realized that all of the life planning I had seriously done throughout my life effectively ended at University. Sure I made plans to get married, buy a house, have kids, but those were all in the "someday" file with no real route charted to get there.
It was always about school. Get good grades, be a good person, then go to University, and by the time all of that's happened life will be delivered to you in a neat little package. I've always known I'd have to work for the things I planned, and that major decision-making would be involved, but it was easier said than done to have this all laid out for when I get my degree.
At a friend's birthday party a few days ago the topic of "Adult Points" came up. Two roommates had been awarding themselves "Adult Points" for doing adult things, mostly as a joke to help deal with the reality that this is where one is really left to fend for themselves.
I started adding up my adult points:
I have lived in Victoria on my own for the better part of four years.
I have held at least one job for the vast majority of that time.
I look forward to pay day so I can pay off the Visa and buy groceries.
I've started looking at commercials that advertise budgeting, investment, and insurance with some interest.
I am planning on moving in with my girlfriend.
I have my first "big boy job" 9-5 Monday-Friday and beyond. (I even have a desk)
I am almost entirely at a loss when people ask me "So what's your plan for the future?"
All of these things are leading towards that final moment when I am pushed off the dock and into the water come December. My hope is that I will remember to flail my arms around to stay afloat.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Need for Progress
Hello. Is there anybody out there? Or something like that.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about progress. Perhaps it's the result of my rapidly-approaching adulthood (here referring to the post-university life) or perhaps it has something to do with my first "big boy" job and the constant need to justify my place in it.
I have always liked to keep busy. If only for the purpose of having a reason to shut down and turn off in uncomfortable situations. Doing ten, twelve, twenty things at once just to prove I can has been a staple of my plan to live up to my full potential and prove my worth. Classes all day, tech and rehearsal after school, soccer practice twice a week and work on weekends - the busy little bee in high school, turned the perpetually-unavailable-for-social-gatherings undergrad.
Amidst a busy life there comes the need for balance. Sure I took six classes and had two jobs, but a stack of TV on DVD and a nightly allowance of Sportscentre kept my sanity in check. Once the work is done, there is time for fun. This is a concept that served me well in my academic career.
Lately however it has become more and more difficult for me to find that balance. Sure, I take pride in saying that I have worked three weeks straight. It makes me seem important and in demand. And though 70-hour weeks are a part of the price of working in the field that I love, chances are most nights at 11pm Sportscentre will be on TV and I will be in front of it. Yet taking full advantage of those moments to myself has been wrought with troubles of late.
I learned along the way that being too busy can result in a burnout, and I've made a point of documenting how I get to that point, what the consequences are, and what it takes to remedy the situation. Such planning would surely prevent future occurrences, right?
The pressure then shifts. I want to be in a position to put the time and energy into the things that I am doing so that I can do them well. In order to do that I know I need to have balance, to take a breather every once in a while. The trouble becomes making the most out of those breathers. Tonight, for example, I found myself without anything to do. Poker game cancelled and home by 6, the world was my oyster to relax and build up energy for the following day's activities. But what to do? Strenuous activity would require the use of the energy I seek to preserve, but other activities fall outside the pursuit of progress.
Progress. Productivity.
Even when resting, every action must be the best and most carefully chosen activity to build towards eventual progress. A night off should be spent nonchalantly taking in leisurely opportunities moving towards a long and healthy sleep. Instead, it results in the frustrated deliberation of how best to use those spare minutes to the point that the minutes are gone in a pointless and stressful search for what to do with them, leaving me spent and aggravated that no progress was made on any front and the time is now lost forever. So a disappointment sets in that now the strict schedule must have me at work again the following day without anything to show for it.
On the off chance that I find something to distract me for a while, a rather inconvenient grading system creeps into mind. "I am playing a video game. It's one I've played before. Why am I doing it? It's not expanding my mind or helping me figure out who I am or reducing the size of my rapidly-appearing love handles. I could just as easily relax with a book and follow a narrative. Or at least pick a new game or watch new TV, so that linear progress can be made in my lounging, a new frontier forged. This is a waste of time."
And one mustn't waste time, not on so strict a schedule.
I've come to realize that a product of my upbringing is the belief in the infallibility of schedules. You must be here at this time to do this and failure to do so will be an offense to the whole operation. Such applies not only to showing up at work, but to social gatherings, grocery shopping, and even sleep. Rigidity of schedule puts added pressure on the useful passage of spare moments. And then I am spoiled for choice. I have spent a good amount of time and money acquiring objects to fill free time. Things like books, games, and movies that I will spend carefree time enjoying once I grant myself the opportunity to pursue them. Most of the time these opportunities are spent acquiring more leisure objects and not taking advantage of the bounty I have already accumulated. I then begin to feel guilty for my change in mood and interests. Why spend so much time and money getting things that you will be bored with before you use them? I have tried to be better at this, and am making progress.
Once I take time to save Ashley and defeat Lord Saddler for the umpteenth time, I then begin to make comparisons those around me. People in better shape, more skilled in a certain art. Musicians with great talent who practice every day make me yearn for the talent and discipline to be in their position. The battle begins. The part of my brain that realizes this can only be achieved through practice and dedication goes to work on assembling the tools to make progress towards my goal, while the part of my brain that feels the need to balance out my busy working life advocates for long and peaceful sleep. The result is the problem. Not enough time for both and the frustration of fulfilling neither leads to more wasted time deciding which is best, and the product is nothing. The mind then tries to soothe itself with thoughts of rest and the potential for clarity once a less tumultuous time has arrived. The cycle begins again. All that is left is a burnt out vessel that is unable to make the most of any of its opportunities and shuts down prematurely, culminating in Zombie Darcy.
I realize this maiden post has turned into somewhat of a self-therapy session, not the best way to attract followers, but it has been helpful (aha, progress!). At the risk of "tellink you about my muzzah" I will depart for now.
Zombie Darcy needs brains.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about progress. Perhaps it's the result of my rapidly-approaching adulthood (here referring to the post-university life) or perhaps it has something to do with my first "big boy" job and the constant need to justify my place in it.
I have always liked to keep busy. If only for the purpose of having a reason to shut down and turn off in uncomfortable situations. Doing ten, twelve, twenty things at once just to prove I can has been a staple of my plan to live up to my full potential and prove my worth. Classes all day, tech and rehearsal after school, soccer practice twice a week and work on weekends - the busy little bee in high school, turned the perpetually-unavailable-for-social-gatherings undergrad.
Amidst a busy life there comes the need for balance. Sure I took six classes and had two jobs, but a stack of TV on DVD and a nightly allowance of Sportscentre kept my sanity in check. Once the work is done, there is time for fun. This is a concept that served me well in my academic career.
Lately however it has become more and more difficult for me to find that balance. Sure, I take pride in saying that I have worked three weeks straight. It makes me seem important and in demand. And though 70-hour weeks are a part of the price of working in the field that I love, chances are most nights at 11pm Sportscentre will be on TV and I will be in front of it. Yet taking full advantage of those moments to myself has been wrought with troubles of late.
I learned along the way that being too busy can result in a burnout, and I've made a point of documenting how I get to that point, what the consequences are, and what it takes to remedy the situation. Such planning would surely prevent future occurrences, right?
The pressure then shifts. I want to be in a position to put the time and energy into the things that I am doing so that I can do them well. In order to do that I know I need to have balance, to take a breather every once in a while. The trouble becomes making the most out of those breathers. Tonight, for example, I found myself without anything to do. Poker game cancelled and home by 6, the world was my oyster to relax and build up energy for the following day's activities. But what to do? Strenuous activity would require the use of the energy I seek to preserve, but other activities fall outside the pursuit of progress.
Progress. Productivity.
Even when resting, every action must be the best and most carefully chosen activity to build towards eventual progress. A night off should be spent nonchalantly taking in leisurely opportunities moving towards a long and healthy sleep. Instead, it results in the frustrated deliberation of how best to use those spare minutes to the point that the minutes are gone in a pointless and stressful search for what to do with them, leaving me spent and aggravated that no progress was made on any front and the time is now lost forever. So a disappointment sets in that now the strict schedule must have me at work again the following day without anything to show for it.
On the off chance that I find something to distract me for a while, a rather inconvenient grading system creeps into mind. "I am playing a video game. It's one I've played before. Why am I doing it? It's not expanding my mind or helping me figure out who I am or reducing the size of my rapidly-appearing love handles. I could just as easily relax with a book and follow a narrative. Or at least pick a new game or watch new TV, so that linear progress can be made in my lounging, a new frontier forged. This is a waste of time."
And one mustn't waste time, not on so strict a schedule.
I've come to realize that a product of my upbringing is the belief in the infallibility of schedules. You must be here at this time to do this and failure to do so will be an offense to the whole operation. Such applies not only to showing up at work, but to social gatherings, grocery shopping, and even sleep. Rigidity of schedule puts added pressure on the useful passage of spare moments. And then I am spoiled for choice. I have spent a good amount of time and money acquiring objects to fill free time. Things like books, games, and movies that I will spend carefree time enjoying once I grant myself the opportunity to pursue them. Most of the time these opportunities are spent acquiring more leisure objects and not taking advantage of the bounty I have already accumulated. I then begin to feel guilty for my change in mood and interests. Why spend so much time and money getting things that you will be bored with before you use them? I have tried to be better at this, and am making progress.
Once I take time to save Ashley and defeat Lord Saddler for the umpteenth time, I then begin to make comparisons those around me. People in better shape, more skilled in a certain art. Musicians with great talent who practice every day make me yearn for the talent and discipline to be in their position. The battle begins. The part of my brain that realizes this can only be achieved through practice and dedication goes to work on assembling the tools to make progress towards my goal, while the part of my brain that feels the need to balance out my busy working life advocates for long and peaceful sleep. The result is the problem. Not enough time for both and the frustration of fulfilling neither leads to more wasted time deciding which is best, and the product is nothing. The mind then tries to soothe itself with thoughts of rest and the potential for clarity once a less tumultuous time has arrived. The cycle begins again. All that is left is a burnt out vessel that is unable to make the most of any of its opportunities and shuts down prematurely, culminating in Zombie Darcy.
I realize this maiden post has turned into somewhat of a self-therapy session, not the best way to attract followers, but it has been helpful (aha, progress!). At the risk of "tellink you about my muzzah" I will depart for now.
Zombie Darcy needs brains.
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